How to become the best writer ever period.

The typewriter is only the first step, the rest comes from within. Did you think the machine was going to type on its own?

Who comes to mind when you think of famous writers? Stephen King, Shakespeare, Jules Verne, George and Charles Marriam? All these people would be correct, and they all have one crucial thing in common. They wrote. Indeed, the first step of becoming a good writer is writing.

Now that’s just becoming a writer who is good, you want to be the best, the writer that steps on all those other writers, the writer that writers around the world dream of becoming. You want to be the envy of every literary circle in the universe. In order to compete with God, you need to understand what you’re up against.

The following is a 100% true, unfabricated, unabridged, and otherwise un-modified historical account of totally real events.

Far back in the annals of history, in the Year of Our Lord 12 or something, writing was invented. Before that people were old and slow and all they did was talk at each other. In the fall of that year, a local bard by the name of Bardy Bardson had the brilliant idea to put ink on a piece of parchment in the shape of regular squiggles. Armed with his Pilot G-2 premium gel roller pen, he carved the foundation of modern literacy. His first work, lauded by historians as the finest piece of writing in all of human history, was simply titled “Bardy the Bard’s Wise Wisdom Words Volume 1” (Volume 2 through 6 were lost during the burning of the Library at Alexandria). This manuscript single-handedly laid out the formula for which all written work is based on. I mean every book. There’s this popular book I think you may have heard of, it’s called the “Bible.” Based on Bardy’s work. There’s an even more popular book called “60 Shades of Gravy or something,” also based on Bardy’s work. “Bardy the Bard’s Wise Wisdom Words Volume 1” is the best kept secret in the writing industry, and I’m about to crack that can of beans wide open.

The following is a totally accurate excerpt from “Bardy the Bard’s Wise Wisdom Words Volume 1." Which is a book that actually exists.

The key to understanding the written language lies not in the mind, for the mind is susceptible to the wiles of tricksters who seek to sprinkle mediocrity on your witty wonder words. Nor does the secret to literary enlightenment come from the heart, which is susceptible to the most brutal and violent torment accessible to higher life forms. Nay, the secret to crafting words that end kingdoms and lay waste to nations, words that make heroes and change the hearts of the untamed beasts, the secret to those words lie in the Gluteus Maximus.

This single passage is what separated the coarse grunt-laden language of simpletons to the graceful figurative language of the highest echelons of society. Though expounded on in Volumes 2 through 6 of “Bardy the Bard’s Wise Wisdom Words,” Volume 1 spends a great deal of time examining and proving this era-defining discovery.

By Bardson’s logic, the Gluteus Maximus was the source of all written language. Bardson argued that the seated position placed your upper-body weight on the Gluteus and stimulated the flow of linguistic artistry through a series of bodily chanels he called “the Great Cakeway.” No great writer ever stood up to write. Nay, writing is a task for sitting down. This theory is further applied when the Gluteus is engaged in additional activity. Bardson discovered that the action of sitting on the can yielded his most brilliant ideas, and this enduring sentiment echoed throughout the centuries inspiring countless brilliant minds. Even to this day, one of the ways you can identify a truly great writer from a not-so-great writer is by the size of their bathroom and the comfort of their commode.

So now you know the true secrets of creating divinely inspired masterpieces worthy of every literary prize ever invented. Seriously, are you still reading this garbage? I exercised my Gluteus Maximus this entire time by talking out my ass. I can’t make you a better writer. Just go write, make yourself a better writer and stop letting me waste enormous amounts of your time, jeez.